# Chapter 8: Mom, I'm Leaving A deep doubt started to weigh heavy inside my stomach. It was Anthony's birthday weekend and we were going to have a big party at his father's farm in New Jersey. Emily and Brian were driving down with me. It was another hot August weekend, but the sun shone brilliantly on the open acres of farmland as we drove through the Jersey countryside. Emily and Brian were both privy to my plans for moving to California. But a bigger issue was now looming over me. I began to think that I needed to go about my future alone, without Anthony. I was beginning to evolve and feel a determinate path for myself that was not willing to be compromised. I saw clearly a journey that was solely my own. Deep in my heart, I knew I had to sever the tightly strung knot Anthony and I had created over the past year. This knowing hurt — it hurt bad. I was again confronted with a paralyzing fear, but a different kind of fear than the one I met at the top of Peace Rock. This new fear harbored a deep sadness in it. I was afraid of hurting someone who I loved very much. --- ## Advice from Friends Emily leaned over the back seat, shouting over the windy buzz from the open windows: "You don't have to say anything right now. Wait until you go to your ten-day meditation and you both will be in a clearer state of mind. You got to do what's best for you, Mikey. If you feel you gotta leave alone, then you gotta leave alone." Then Brian sat up and leaned in between the front seats: "Yeah, bro. Anthony will understand. He loves you. If it doesn't feel right, then there's a reason you shouldn't." Their words tried soothing my worry, but the best I could do was push the issue to the back of my mind and keep it there until I was ready to fully trust my intuition urging me to go alone. --- ## Arrival at the Farm As we pulled up to the farm, dust rose from the tires and a handful of chickens scurried in a panic. The festivities had already begun. Anthony's father, Chris, was grilling burgers and dogs, arms were stretching into coolers of beer, and jovial conversation filled the air. I looked around, but Anthony was nowhere to be seen. Chris had been leasing the farm for the past year. It had always been a dream of his to operate horse stables while owning a large lot of land on the rural countryside. At fifty years old, his dreams were finally starting to come to fruition. "Hey Michael, I got some nice red steaks cooking on the grill. You want one?" he asked with a menacing smirk, knowing full well I was a vegetarian. "Come on, Michael, you need iron. You look weak. Gotta get some red meat in you!" I smiled. "No thanks, Chris. No meat for me." --- ## At the Stables I saw Emily and Brian laying on their backs on the trampoline, gazing into the dark green leaves hanging over them. I didn't want to disrupt their moment, so I decided to take a walk to the stables. A few horses were grazing on bales of hay in an open lot made for them to roam in. One looked big and mighty with a shiny black coat and chestnut-shaped eyes. It sensed my presence, lifted its mouth from the hay, and walked gingerly toward me. I ran my hand down his long face. The horse wagged its tail while snorting. I felt a moist breeze hit my hand as its eyes looked at me with undeniable intelligence. I wondered if it was happy on my uncle's farm. I wondered if this creature had the same desires, aspirations, and sufferings that I had. We shared the same existence on this earth, didn't we? We both grew by the sun, slept under the moon, and ate from the earth's bounty. A burning desire to break free from my family, my work, and my home began to tremor inside me. --- ## Grandma Arrives A cool gush blew through the farm. Suddenly, I felt a warm sense of love and belonging emanating from the nature around me. Not a moment sooner, I heard my grandmother cry from a distance: "Mike! What are you doing over there?" She started walking toward me from the porch. My grandmother wore these large round sunglasses she loved to wear when the sun was out. Her hair was a thick nest of red curls that made her appear fifteen years younger than her seventy-year-old skin. I always admired my grandmother's ability to love animals unconditionally. She lit up each and every time she'd come across a species of life other than her own. --- ## The Confession "So, what you doing, Mikey? You look like you're in deep thought about something." I looked down at the dirt floor beneath me while conjuring up the courage to speak the truth to my grandmother. "I think I'm going to move to California soon." The corners of her lips curled down in an instant. The energy between us thickened as she continued gazing at the horse, not knowing what to say. "I need to leave home. I'm not happy here working for Chris and Gerry. I feel surrounded by dead-end roads on Staten Island. I want to find work that I'm truly meant to do, that feels meaningful. I hate the tile business — it just isn't for me — and each week that passes I feel a deeper regret that I'm not following my heart sooner. The labor is draining and I shudder at the thought of doing it my whole life." There I was, twenty-three years old, telling my seventy-year-old grandmother, who raised me and took care of me my whole life, that I wanted to leave the comfort and protection of the home and family she worked so hard to uphold. "I'm not going to try and stop you," she said meekly, "but you don't need to travel 3,000 miles away from your family to 'grow up.'" "Yes, I do. I need space and I want to be close to the giant redwoods and pristine Pacific beaches. I want to experience a different culture, with different art. I want to meet new and inspiring people who don't think like us." "You can do all that in New York. New York has the biggest art culture in the world!" she pleaded. "You don't get it! Something in my heart is drawn toward the west coast. There is something spiritual I am looking for that I don't know how to express — a feeling of going on a journey, of being on an adventure — and it's California that is calling to me. Please... stop trying to stop me. All I want is your support!" "Fine. I don't know why you want to be so far away from us." Her last few words stumbled out shakily. Her eyes clenched behind her glasses, holding back a flood of tears. --- ## Understanding Her Fear "I love you, Mom... but I'm changing." I put my hand on her shoulder and gave the back of her neck a soft squeeze. She was desperate to say something that would change my mind and confused why I wasn't like her sons who always chose to stay by her. Why was I the bird that wanted to fly from the nest into a dangerous uncertain world? My resistance toward her motherly concern softened and I grew sympathetic toward her sadness. I thought of how weak and helpless she may have felt thinking of me wandering the California roads alone. I hugged her tightly, pressing my chin into her hairy head. The familiar smell of her perfume brought me back to my childhood. "I'll be okay, Mom. Trust me, I need to do this. You'll see me again. I promise." "When are you trying to leave?" she asked. "Probably in the fall when I come back from the meditation retreat." --- ## At the Barn We both turned toward the barn and walked inside together. It was much cooler inside the barn and a few horses stuck their heads out into the center aisle. "Oh, I love this guy. His eyes are so round and his face is small for a horse," she said, captivated by the amber-colored steed named Jack. We spent the next half hour feeding the different horses and exploring the inner workings of the barn. We played with the baby goats, rabbits, and pigs, forgetting all about the dramatic conversation we had just a few moments ago. My grandmother looked so bright and joyful. It felt good to be by her side and let the lightness of the animals into our hearts. --- *Next: [[Ch 9 - Birthday Fireworks]]*