# Chapter 4: Peace Rock Fear, like chariots, raced through the inner contours of my body. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to avoid the heroics and retreat to the fate I was so desperately trying to escape. I was standing on the edge of Peace Rock, gazing down at the watery abyss nearly 50 feet below—face to face with a different destiny than my conventional life back home. It was a chilly morning, but the rising sun warmed my bare shoulders. The rock beneath my sit-bones was hard and settling. Anthony, my cousin, sat next to me on the precipice, looking ahead into the empty sky. --- ## The Symbolic Leap For a moment, I wasn't sure if we really were going to go through with it. We had invested so much intention into this moment. We woke up hours before sunrise to travel to some arbitrary town in Pennsylvania, searching for a cliff we'd never seen before. It wasn't until we stopped at the nearby gas station that we learned the cliff we were seeking was known to the locals as 'Peace Rock.' > [!important] The Meaning > The leap was symbolic of a courageous move forward into the future, where Anthony and I were to move to California and leave our family, work, and former identities behind for a different, more creative and spontaneous way of life. We shared a common desire to escape from the conformity running rampant in our suburban culture. I had fallen victim to the bohemian allure of California that promised to free my spirit from the confines of traditionalism. This leap of faith would sever the umbilical cord once and for all, and I would overcome that gut-dwelling fear of starting a new life. --- ## On the Edge Anthony and I had little to say to one another as we sat on the ledge. I looked at him only to see this humble blankness on his face. Sitting on the edge of Peace Rock, all my anxieties were magnified. Sharp electric currents tingled in my teeth, and I could feel stones in my stomach. But as the sun slowly rose above the trees and the water gently flowed below us, a deep sense of serenity ensued. All around me were little peace signs etched into tree trunks and fallen logs. The clearing we occupied brimmed with magic. The rushing sound of the current below was melodic enough to calm the restless energy zipping inside. > [!note] Anthony > Anthony, two years younger than me, had thick flowing hair and a muscular build. He easily charmed any room he entered with his innocence, looks, and light-hearted banter. But one could tell from close observation, especially into his soft round eyes, that beneath his strong exterior was a wound yearning to be healed. --- ## The Paralysis I remember trying to move my body toward the edge, but it wouldn't budge. It was like my shoulders separated from my mind. As much as I wished to back away, hop in the van, and drive home, my manhood wouldn't let me cower away from all the dreams and revelries that had led me to this moment. For the past year, our adventure together was climbing toward an apex. We had slept in a rented jeep in Beverly Hills. We had studied abroad in Florence against our families' will. We started our own photography business. Anthony and I were riding a creative high that had brought us to the critical root fear of leaving home. > [!reflection] Why California? > A world of possibilities gleamed before us. We had decided we wanted to move to California to escape, what was in our minds, a pre-determined fate. > > At 22, I was seeking spiritual answers. I wasn't satisfied with my Catholic way of understanding God. I was curious to know more about how the world worked and why I was here at all. I don't know why Anthony wanted to go to California. I know the idea excited him very much and his will to go was strong. I think it promised him space from his own toxic enviornments. --- ## The Chant My mind went blank. Something had to happen. I stood up from my seat and walked over to a tree that had a peace sign etched into its trunk. I put my right hand over it, hoping to siphon the courage of the earth into my veins. I could feel the hair on my arms rise like Roman militia as goosebumps surfaced my skin. I felt a joyful rage emerge inside me as I started chanting the lyrics to a song that was dear to me: > [!quote] The Killers > "I got soul but I'm not a soldier > I got soul but I'm not a soldier" It was that line by The Killers that brought me to tears of inspiration at a music festival a few months prior to the leap. Soon I was pounding my bare chest with my fist and looking over to Anthony to join in. I shouted the lyrics at him and we made intense eye contact. Anthony finally arose from his seat. He hopped up and down, thumping his chest and chanting with me: "I got soul but I'm not a soldier." Our chant grew louder: "I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER!" He began to howl and the trees roared. My body became completely possessed, and without a twinge of apprehension, I started running toward the cliff's edge until I could only feel air beneath my feet. **I set myself free.** --- ## The Fall The sound of free fall was deafening, like jet planes flying through my ears while an anvil-like heaviness wrapped my head. It felt exhilarating. My arms took on this cross-like shape and were whipped by the impact of the water below. I felt a wicked sting. I was then submerged into the silence beneath the water. Death occurred for an instance. Death of a former me. I felt so safe and relieved when I rose above the water. Alive again. I had did it. A few moments later, Anthony jumped in that same cross shape. --- ## Meditation by the River Together, we swam across to the other side. The sun had risen nicely over the hills. A fog of golden dust sparkled throughout the meadow. I was convinced it was star stuff and that those little bits of cosmic debris penetrated the earth from the heavens. When we got to the other side, I asked Anthony, "Meditate with me for a little while?" "Sure," he replied. Anthony had never sat in a meditation before. I had been practicing sitting for the past few months. We sat with gravel digging into our thighs. Shutting our eyes, we slipped into stillness. I tried to help by saying, "Just breathe, relax, and surrender to the moment." > [!practice] On Meditation > When I meditate, the moment that is happening right then becomes a hundred times more real. It's as if I can experience sensate reality at a more subtle and intimate level. > > I listen to the fragmented songs of the world make up a unified tone. I feel inside me all kinds of moving sensations: warmth, cold, aches, and pleasure. Mostly, I feel what it's like to breathe—this repetitive motion that is life itself. As a novice meditator, learning and practice had helped me more than anything else to discover myself and find meaning in my daily existence—even though that meaning constantly evolves. There we were - two bare-skinned humans drenched in river water with our hearts pounding, sitting on the edge of the bank attempting to make some larger and more valid connection with this weird, wild universe. --- *Next: [[Ch 5 - Mixing Mud]]*